capri0mni: Text: "an honorable retreat ... not with bag and baggage, yet scrip and scrippage. (Scrippage)
Ann ([personal profile] capri0mni) wrote2014-06-13 10:02 am

The ? Final ? Draft (nope) of that "Star Trek" sonnet ...

1. I remembered, in replying to [personal profile] raze, yesterday, that I eventually learned react before the scary music cue, and thought that it might be good to make that clear.

2. Much of the language in this poem is self-reflective, adult, and jargony. So I tried to make the two lines where I'm "hiding," at least, sound more like the voice of the two-year old me (cue Eleven's regeneration speech).

3. Question -- Considering the above: Back then, my actual name for the show was "Scare Trek." Should I call it that, in the poem?

A SPASTIC CHILD WATCHES THE T.V.

I learned to tell a story at age two
(At least, the craft of pacing and suspense).
Propped up between my parents on the couch,
With season one of “Star Trek” on the screen,
I could not hide, but quickly learned:
Anticipate the music's minor shift,
Then plug my ears and close my eyes and hum
Until the things that scared me went away.
I never feared the aliens as much
As all the angry shouts and lasers' whine
That always happened – every episode –
As soon as any “monster” came on-screen.

Could I have understood, as young as that:
My difference, too, was something that they feared?
spiralsheep: Flowers (skywardprodigal Cog Flowers)

[personal profile] spiralsheep 2014-06-13 03:03 pm (UTC)(link)
My first reaction is, as always, to the rhythm/sound....

4 thats in seven lines: things that scared - That always happened - young as that - something that they

The simplest fix might be "Which always happened"? Or perhaps "that" isn't as strong a sound/word in your accent (I tend to swallow vowels, especially in short familiar words).
spiralsheep: Woman blowing heart-shaped bubbles (Bubble Rainbow)

[personal profile] spiralsheep 2014-06-13 04:14 pm (UTC)(link)
I can't advise anyone else about their poetry. It's too personal. By the time a person can write a poem they're beyond advice. I can tell you what I hear or how I understand as I read, I can even rewrite a poem in my style to illustrate alternatives, but I think you're asking those questions aloud to yourself and my answer would be irrelevant. :-)
curiosity: Close up of a tabby cat's face from nose to corner of the eye, including part of the muzzle and a few whiskers. (Default)

[personal profile] curiosity 2014-06-14 05:28 pm (UTC)(link)
I really like the line "Anticipate the music's minor shift".

And my two unsolicited cents :

As for question number two, you start off in a kind of 'looking back' tone, so the jargony bits are fitting, I think, and will blend well into the two year old perspective. I think that will offers a sense of time. Being carried from here to back then by the change in tone.

The 'Scare Trek' part is up to you, whatever you think works best. I can see it working either way, but it isn't my story to tell.

Nice poem, very clear purpose.