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The ? Final ? Draft (nope) of that "Star Trek" sonnet ...
1. I remembered, in replying to ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
raze, yesterday, that I eventually learned react before the scary music cue, and thought that it might be good to make that clear.
2. Much of the language in this poem is self-reflective, adult, and jargony. So I tried to make the two lines where I'm "hiding," at least, sound more like the voice of the two-year old me (cue Eleven's regeneration speech).
3. Question -- Considering the above: Back then, my actual name for the show was "Scare Trek." Should I call it that, in the poem?
A SPASTIC CHILD WATCHES THE T.V.
I learned to tell a story at age two
(At least, the craft of pacing and suspense).
Propped up between my parents on the couch,
With season one of “Star Trek” on the screen,
I could not hide, but quickly learned:
Anticipate the music's minor shift,
Then plug my ears and close my eyes and hum
Until the things that scared me went away.
I never feared the aliens as much
As all the angry shouts and lasers' whine
That always happened – every episode –
As soon as any “monster” came on-screen.
Could I have understood, as young as that:
My difference, too, was something that they feared?
raze, yesterday, that I eventually learned react before the scary music cue, and thought that it might be good to make that clear.2. Much of the language in this poem is self-reflective, adult, and jargony. So I tried to make the two lines where I'm "hiding," at least, sound more like the voice of the two-year old me (cue Eleven's regeneration speech).
3. Question -- Considering the above: Back then, my actual name for the show was "Scare Trek." Should I call it that, in the poem?
A SPASTIC CHILD WATCHES THE T.V.
I learned to tell a story at age two
(At least, the craft of pacing and suspense).
Propped up between my parents on the couch,
With season one of “Star Trek” on the screen,
I could not hide, but quickly learned:
Anticipate the music's minor shift,
Then plug my ears and close my eyes and hum
Until the things that scared me went away.
I never feared the aliens as much
As all the angry shouts and lasers' whine
That always happened – every episode –
As soon as any “monster” came on-screen.
Could I have understood, as young as that:
My difference, too, was something that they feared?
no subject
4 thats in seven lines: things that scared - That always happened - young as that - something that they
The simplest fix might be "Which always happened"? Or perhaps "that" isn't as strong a sound/word in your accent (I tend to swallow vowels, especially in short familiar words).
no subject
"Which" strikes me as a relatively weak word, though.
How about I make that line more independent by making it the start of a complete sentence?
It always happened -- every episode
[. . .]
And if the penultimate line were:
Could I have understood, young as I was:
?
no subject
no subject
BTW, back before the World-Wide-Web, when Microsoft Word was pale blue letters on a medium blue screen, I'd actually type up a script of between "Muse" and "Me," and free associate the Q&A... That was when printer paper came accordion-folded with those perforated borders. In college, I'd end up trailing those borders behind me, like some kind of geeky bridal train, after printing out a paper I'd written for class ... [/nostalgia].
Putting this here for archival purposes
I learned to tell a story at age two
(At least, the craft of pacing and suspense).
Propped up between my parents on the couch,
With season one of “Star Trek” on the screen.
Although I could not hide, I quickly learned:
Anticipate the music's minor shift,
Then plug my ears and close my eyes and hum
Until the thing I'm scared of goes away.
I never feared the aliens as much
As all the angry shouts and lasers' whine.
It always happened – every episode –
As soon as any “monster” came on-screen.
Could it have been I understood, back then:
My difference, too, was something that they feared?
no subject
And my two unsolicited cents :
As for question number two, you start off in a kind of 'looking back' tone, so the jargony bits are fitting, I think, and will blend well into the two year old perspective. I think that will offers a sense of time. Being carried from here to back then by the change in tone.
The 'Scare Trek' part is up to you, whatever you think works best. I can see it working either way, but it isn't my story to tell.
Nice poem, very clear purpose.
no subject
"Monsters" became a conscious "thing" for me a few years ago, after I started wondering about the etymology of the word "monster" (they were originally human or livestock young born or stillborn with certain deformities, taken to be omens of misfortune).
But then, I realized, the other day, that "siding with Team!Monster" has kind of always been my thing, considering how I reacted to Star Trek...