So -- writing that verse -- can't decide which is best.

[capri0mni]

Mission: to make the argument that "Receiving is often as just diffecult as giving, and is at least as important and good" in precisely 40 syllables with a vaguely a, b, a, b rhyme scheme.

I have three ideas competing in my head, but because songs must be concise, I can only pick one

[edit: Here is the complete song, as it would stand with the three different verses (As requested by brassfire). I've put the contending verses in bold; I've also finished the third option verse, and tweaked the last two choruses]:


This year is quickly fading in the night
With all the joy and sorrow that we knew.
A new year comes with promises so bright
And so, with hope, I give this gift to you.

I give this gift to you: a simple little thing.
And yet, I hope you feel the love that I've wrapped up in string.

There is a new light shining in the dark
As fragile as a candle in the snow
Yet one small flame can light ten thousand sparks;
When passed from hand to hand, the Light will grow.

I give this gift to you: a simple little thing.
And yet, I hope you feel the love that I've wrapped up in string.

It's easy, in the terror of the night,
To lock our hearts against Fate's bitter wind.
And blind ourselves to Love's own shining light
And not to see the loving gifts of friends.

You give this gift to me, a simple little thing
Yet, most of all, I feel the love that you've tied up with string

So when I fear the cold and darkness, too,
And sorrows seem to gather 'round my door
I'll open up my heart to love from you
And it shall light my way forevermore.

You give this gift to me, a simple little thing
Yet, most of all, I feel the love that you've tied up with string

So hang your shining garland in the hall,
And let your candle burn against the night
And celebrate the gifts from one and all
Each tied with string, and wrapped with paper bright.

And so, we give our gifts, such simple little things
Each one a token of our love that we've tied up with string.

This year is surely fading fast away
With all the joys and sorrows that we knew.
And what the future brings, no one can say
But courage and our love will see us through.

And so, we give our gifts, such simple little things
Each one a token of our love that we've tied up with string.
---


This year is quickly fading in the night
With all the joy and sorrow that we knew.
A new year comes with promises so bright
And so, with hope, I give this gift to you.

I give this gift to you: a simple little thing.
And yet, I hope you feel the love that I've wrapped up in string.

There is a new light shining in the dark
As fragile as a candle in the snow
Yet one small flame can light ten thousand sparks;
When passed from hand to hand, the Light will grow.

I give this gift to you: a simple little thing.
And yet, I hope you feel the love that I've wrapped up in string.

Though easy, in the dark, to feel forlorn,
And lock our hearts against Fate's bitter wind,
The brave and open heart shall be reborn
When it accepts the gifts of loving friends

You give this gift to me, a simple little thing
Yet, most of all, I feel the love that you've tied up with string

So when I fear the cold and darkness, too,
And sorrows seem to gather 'round my door
I'll open up my heart to love from you
And it shall light my way forevermore.

You give this gift to me, a simple little thing
Yet, most of all, I feel the love that you've tied up with string

So hang your shining garland in the hall,
And let your candle burn against the night
And celebrate the gifts from one and all
Each tied with string, and wrapped with paper bright.

And so, we give our gifts, such simple little things
Each one a token of our love that we've tied up with string.

This year is surely fading fast away
With all the joys and sorrows that we knew.
And what the future brings, no one can say
But courage and our love will see us through.

And so, we give our gifts, such simple little things
Each one a token of our love that we've tied up with string.
---

This year is quickly fading in the night
With all the joy and sorrow that we knew.
A new year comes with promises so bright
And so, with hope, I give this gift to you.

I give this gift to you: a simple little thing.
And yet, I hope you feel the love that I've wrapped up in string.

There is a new light shining in the dark
As fragile as a candle in the snow
Yet one small flame can light ten thousand sparks;
When passed from hand to hand, the Light will grow.

I give this gift to you: a simple little thing.
And yet, I hope you feel the love that I've wrapped up in string.

When we accept the light that comes our way
With open hands and gladness in our hearts,
That light shall burn as bright as break of day
And hand, in hand, we'll turn away the dark

You give this gift to me, a simple little thing
Yet, most of all, I feel the love that you've tied up with string

So when I fear the cold and darkness, too,
And sorrows seem to gather 'round my door
I'll open up my heart to love from you
And it shall light my way forevermore.

You give this gift to me, a simple little thing
Yet, most of all, I feel the love that you've tied up with string

So hang your shining garland in the hall,
And let your candle burn against the night
And celebrate the gifts from one and all
Each tied with string, and wrapped with paper bright.

And so, we give our gifts, such simple little things
Each one a token of our love that we've tied up with string.

This year is surely fading fast away
With all the joys and sorrows that we knew.
And what the future brings, no one can say
But courage and our love will see us through.

And so, we give our gifts, such simple little things
Each one a token of our love that we've tied up with string.

So, um, which do you think works best?

Comments

[indefatigable42.livejournal.com]

I like the first one... drives the point home, I think.

heh

[capriuni.livejournal.com]

That's funny, because as I was typing them out, I was kinda settling on the third one... perhaps as a continuation of my rant from earlier today: that giving is empowering, so when we allow others to give to us, we empower them: The light burns brighter the more we are open to it.

'Course, that could just be my inclination to think my newest ideas are best. ;-)

Re: heh

[brassfire.livejournal.com]

Nope, third one. It'd probably go with the other verses better, and the first one sounds too preachy although it is beautiful and the third is unfinished... the thing is that the third one carries the energy that you're looking for much better than the others.

But to be sure, would you edit your post to make the above three different full versions? It'll be a lot easier to compare.

Re: heh

[capriuni.livejournal.com]

Done -- as you can see. ;-)

Re: heh

[brassfire.livejournal.com]

Interesting, isn't it... now the second one looks best. It feels simple and from the heart, not as cliche as the others. The third one is beautiful though, perhaps try using both of them?

Might I also suggest "And hand, in hand, we'll turn the wheel again" for the third one?

Re: heh

[capriuni.livejournal.com]

Might I also suggest "And hand, in hand, we'll turn the wheel again" for the third one?

"Turn the Wheel again"? Holy Moly! If I didn't know better, I'd say you were Pagan! (heh, heh! ;-))

Hmmm... Maybe there's a fourth option emerging... I'd kinda like to carry the image of "When passed from hand to hand" that I have in at the end of the second verse -- passing it on and also receiving -- and to link it to "When sorrows seem to gether 'round my door" in the third verse. Hmmm...

Also, when I woke up this morning, I realized that the first two verses simply describe what is happening in the world, at the time of the singing: (The year is quickly fading in the night . . . There is a new light shining in the dark . . .) without making pedantic statements about what we should or should not do. It occured to me that that might be why this insertion verse was giving me so much trouble: I was changing the tone and getting all pedantic and ranty without even realizing it.

Back to Noteworthy Composer! Good thing I have 11 months to finish this before it's topical again! ;-)