CP Post #4 (or all disability, really): How to be polite

I may cross-post this to gimp_vent for feedback and tweaking. But this is what comes to my mind:

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I've seen this question and answer, occasionally, on late-night Public Service Announcements on TV:

Q: How should I treat a disabled person?

A: You should treat them like any other person!

But that answer is extremely vague, and less than helpful. In an attempt to erase differences, it just underlines them, and leads to panic and awkwardness.

So here are some specific things to remember when someone is being different at you:

1. Look at the person.
   
   I know your mother told you it's impolite to stare, and so you're afraid to look in my direction. But if you just go ahead and look, you'll find I'm really not as grotesque as you fear I am.
   
   And if you do stare, well, it's better than feeling invisible.
   
   (Further note -- the stares of children: I don't mind when little kids stare; they're just trying to figure out where I fit in the world. It's the stares of grown-ups, who've already made up their minds that I don't belong, that hurt [and yes, I can tell the difference between curiosity and prejudice, at any age])



2. Answer the person who asked the question.
   
   Note to all waitstaff, from McDonald's to The Four Seasons: If I'm the one at your table who asked for the check (or the doggie bag), place the bill (or the doggie bag) in front of me, not my dinner guest.



3. Avoid asking: "Do you wish you could ____ (walk, see, hear, etc)?
   
   If I feel the need to discuss my issues of wish-fulfillment and self identity, I'll schedule an appointment with a mental health professional.
   
   If silent company makes you that uncomfortable, talk about the weather instead, or the hideous wallpaper, or how it's always the elevator that's farthest away that opens first.



4. Do Not pet the service dog!
   
   Do not pet the service dog!
   
   Service dogs are not pets. Do not pet them. They are working, and "on duty." How safe would you feel if you saw all and sundry in the public square trying to high-five and butt-slap the traffic cop on duty?
   
   Actually, this is the basis of good manners (and safety) even with dogs that are pets. I think every parent, whether or not they ever plan on having pets in their home, should teach their toddler to ask: "May I pet your dog (cat, bird, horse, armadillo)?" --and respect the answer-- along with teaching "hello," "please," "thank you" and "excuse me."



5. Ask, before rushing in to help.
   
   Grabbing at a person's arm (or waist, or leg, or whatever) can often make things more difficult.
   
   If you are asked for help, stay calm, and just follow the person's lead.
   
   When I used crutches more often, I fell more often (that's why I need crutches in the first place). I'm used to it. I know how to fall (I've been specifically taught by my therapists), and I know what I need to get up. The biggest deal about falling was learning to handle the panic of the people around me.
   
   (One friend's stock answer was: "Well, He's my God, too, you know... Now, if you'll just give me a hand, by ____")



6. If you need help, feel free to accept it even from a disabled person.
   
   Many's the time in college, when going down the road with an empty basket on the back of my chair, I'd come across some poor ambulatory struggling with an armload of books and papers, going in my direction. "Would you like to put your books in my basket?" would inevitably be met with some version of: "Oh, no, I wouldn't want to burden you!"
   
   (If it were a burden, I wouldn't have offered).



7. Allow the person the same right to be as big a jerk as you'd allow anyone else.
   
   If I'm being a stupid head, and run over your toes, accept my appology. If I fail to appologize, go ahead and yell at me for being a jerk. Don't say that it doesn't hurt, or make excuses for me.

I could add more things to the list. But seven tips are enough to remember at one time, and if these tips become the basis of your habits, the more nuanced habits will come more naturally, I think.