Still working on that sonnet from yesterday...

[capri0mni]

Here's my current draft. I've put particular words and phrases I'm waffling about changing inside parentheses:

I learned to tell a story at age two.
At least, I learned the pacing of suspense
(Propped up between my parents on the couch
With season one of “Star Trek” on T.V.).
Unable, as I was, to run away,
I'd listen for the music's minor shift,
Stick fingers in my ears and close my eyes,
And wait until the scary moment passed.
I never feared the aliens as much
As all the angry shouts and lasers' flash (whine) (screech)
That always happened – every episode –
As soon as any “monster” came on-screen.
Could it be I understood (have been I knew), that young (back then):
My difference, too, was something that they feared? (not allowed?)

Comments

[spiralsheep]

I learned to tell a story at age two:
At least, I learned the pacing of suspense;
Propped up between my parents on the couch
With season one of “Star Trek” on T.V.
Unable, as I was, to run away,
I'd listen for the music's minor shift,
Stick fingers in my ears and close my eyes,
And wait until the scary moment passed.
I never feared the aliens as much
As all the angry shouts and lasers' whine,
Which always happened – every episode –
As soon as any “monster” came on-screen.
Could I have understood back then, so young,
My difference, too, was something that they feared?

My speech patterns differ from yours though, obv.

[capri0mni]

Ah. Yes. That works. You're right about "whine;" my tongue kept tripping over "flash" (the fl-sh sound to similar and too soon after the l-s of 'laser), and "whine" goes better with "shout" than "screech" does.

I did notice (after I posted) that: "Could it have been I understood, back then" was half a foot short... I was thinking of cheating, and using a beat of silence as the unaccented syllable (wry grin).

[spiralsheep]

You suggested "whine" and I like it for the reasons you mention but also because privileged people often whine about their perceived right/need to use violent means to maintain their privilege.

I approve of messing with forms. I also like jigsawing as much meaning into each pentameter as possible, partly because I tend to be writing for the page more than for performance, so given your either/or option of "so young"/"back then" I chose BOTH, heh.

Keep fiddling though, or let your brain sleep on it.

[capri0mni]

*whine* "You're spoiling everything by being different at me!" *whine*

I also like jigsawing as much meaning into each pentameter as possible

*nod*

Though on third count, the last line does have ten syllables, but the first foot is a trochee... Might keep that in, as a "monstrous" line, that's different from the others. /meta ftw! ?

[spiralsheep]

I also fluffed the punctuation.

I learned to tell a story at age two:
At least, I learned the pacing of suspense;
Propped up between my parents on the couch
With season one of “Star Trek” on T.V.;
Unable, as I was, to run away,
I'd listen for the music's minor shift,
Stick fingers in my ears and close my eyes,
And wait until the scary moment passed.

Or something.

[capri0mni]

:-) Thank you, bb

[raze]

This is coming along nicely and I look forward to seeing its final form!

[capri0mni]

Thanks!

(needless to say, I both annoyed and amused my parents: "Ann! The music's not scary, ye -- How'd you know?!" I was a little bundle of "Spoiler," heh.)