A tune (and title) for that "Irish Proverb Song"

[capri0mni]

That I posted the other day (spent most of yesterday working on it):

To hear it, copy the bold text, and paste it into the text window at Concertina.net's tune-o-tron and click [submit] (you may have to turn off your pop-up blocker)

X:1
T:This Penny in my Purse
C:Ann Magill
M:3/4
Q:1/4=120
K:FMaj
CF2CF2|CF2GF2|ED4z|DG2FE2|ED2ED2|EF4z|
FC2FD2|FE2DE2|FG2z|GB2AG2|FE2DE2|GF2z|
z2FE2E|D2EF3|FG2AB2|AG3z|GB2AG2|
FE2DE2|EF2GF2|EF4z||

The title I came up with, in case it isn't obvious, is: This Penny in My Purse.

I'm not entirely happy with the first verse, though:

Oh, each and every penny on this Earth
Is counted somewhere, on some banker's page.
But pennies tarnish and they lose their worth.
While tiny words shine on from age to age.

And I'm not sure why... something just seems "off" about it. Oh, well. At least now that I have a melody, maybe I can use that to inspire me with new lyrics.

Hmmmm.....

Comments

[brassfire.livejournal.com]

The "tiny words" bit is off. It's the right sentiment, just not expressed well. Or something.

While words can brightly shine from age to age?

[capriuni.livejournal.com]

Yeah. That's what Amos of Mudcat said, too

Also, the general consensus there is that I put the verses in the wrong order -- that I should've put the verse about friendship first, and what's now first, last.

I've got a new version, now (with two more verses, and a slightly tweaked tune), which I will try to post to Mudcat tonight. Unfortunately, the forum is down again. I wonder if it's problems stem from the fact that Max is recovering from a car crash, and isn't there to watch it by the hour (It seems to be up for short periods a few times a day. If I keep track, I may decern a pattern).