A thought / pet hate that came to me while writing that song

[capri0mni]

(And I do this, too, unfortunately. So this is not meant as "The whole world is full of Rotten Idiots!" rant. I'm just sayin')

One thing I hope never to hear coming out of another human being's mouth, but I chances are, I will, anyway:

"I'm sorry. I really didn't mean it."

As in (for example):

Person A: "How can you be so F*-ing stupid?!"
Person B: "How can you be so hurtful?"
Person A: "Oh, I'm sorry. I really didn't mean it."

What? You lost consciousness for 2 seconds, your body was taken over by a rudeness demon, and you lost all control over your tongue? Blurting out hurtful words is not like slipping on a banana peel. Words don't come out of our mouths without intent. In that moment, you did mean it, and you really did believe it, even if you'll believe differently later.

Saying you "didn't mean it" is simply a way to avoid responsibility for wrongdoing, by treating it as if it were an accident.

A better response would be: "Oh, I'm sorry. You're right. I shouldn't have said that."

That is all.

Comments

[jekesta]

I know what you mean. But I find I do say that sometimes because I really didn't mean what they heard, and it isn't what I thought I'd said. Not like I actually spoke words without meaning them, just that those words for me have a different meaning. So I really didn't mean what they heard and what they took offence at. I was just saying something different to what they heard. But I know what you mean, and I agree it's horrible. When people know they're being hurtful and just say it was because they were angry and stuff yes.

[capriuni.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Exactly. Misunderstandings do happen. In which case, I hope I'd answer with something like: "I'm sorry. That came out sounding harsher than I expected. Let me try again..."

Or, in those times when I do blurt out something in anger or frustration: "Sorry. I let my frustration get the better of me, and I shouldn't have."

Or something. ...

[samantha2074.livejournal.com]

Well, just to play Devil's Advocate: is it fairer to hold someone to sentiments they express 99.9% of the time, or something they say in the heat of a few seconds and immediately regret? More often than I like, I'll snap at my husband, and it will often have little to do with him, but rather a mood I'm in or external aggravators. I don't think this excuses me saying it, and I wish I were better at controlling my temper -- it's a struggle -- but saying or even implying "yeah, I really did mean that snide thing I said" is just hurtful and, IMO, counter-productive. Ultimately, I think you should reassure the person you didn't really mean it (unless that involves lying) as well as admitting you shouldn't have said them.

[capriuni.livejournal.com]

In the case of snapping at someone in anger, how about saying: "I'm sorry. I lost my temper, and I lashed out and said a stupid, hurtful thing. I was wrong. I do love you."

It's just that, whenever someone says "I didn't mean it," to me, there's a part of me that always thinks: "Oh, yes you did, or you wouldn't have said it! You just don't want to face the consequences..." And that just makes me feel worse.

Granted, this is probably just my own weakness.

I guess what bothers me is not the phrase itself, but the way it seems to be used most often -- as a way of saying "Don't blame me! It was an accident! Those words aren't my responsibility...."