For a while there, I didn't think I could pull it off

[capri0mni]

But I emailed it just now. My "Art Garden" Piece (Theme: Wilderness)

As I told the editor, I'm not sure about the title.

BENEATH THE SKIN

We strive to be 'The City on the Hill,'
(An emerald city, paved with golden brick),*
Where any man can master his own fate,
And keep away the nightmares of his past.
And so we build our geometric dreams;
Our mirrored towers rise above the grid.
We disinfect, deodorize, and shine,
And then, we watch our nature on T.V.
Outside, beneath the street lamp's flick'ring glow,
The asphalt shell, now softened by the rain,
Begins to crack --
The life within the seed cannot be stopped
Relentless, outward, upward, it must grow.
The wilderness is everywhere -- it's here.

---

It was much easier once I decided to go for blank verse, instead of rhyme.

Feedback? I wish I had a living ear to recite this out loud to...

*[edited: Fixed the meter. The line originally read: "An emerald city, with streets all paved in gold,"]

Comments

[lizziebelle.livejournal.com]

I like it - it's got a nice rhythm. Even more so on a second reading. :)

[capriuni.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

Iambic Pentameter ftw!!!

Really, of all the structured poetic forms, I.P. fits most naturally to the English Language.

[indefatigable42.livejournal.com]

Oooh, lovely. I trip over the second line a bit because it has more syllables than the rest (even if I read it as em'rald), but it's not disruptive.

I love the sentiment -- have you ever read E.M. Forster's The Machine Stops?

[capriuni.livejournal.com]

Ooh, thanks for the heads-up

::recounts, ticking off iambs on her fingers::

You're right. I need to cut the words "with" and "its."

::Reads the story's opening lines, bookmarks for later::

Ooh, even 99 years ago, the future was hexogon-shaped!

[indefatigable42.livejournal.com]

Ooh, even 99 years ago, the future was hexogon-shaped!

I think that vision of the future is strongly bee-inspired. At least, this one is.

[indefatigable42.livejournal.com]

I also really like the 'begins to crack' line. There's a frozen moment in time and then everything just explodes into change.

[capriuni.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I was originally going to give that line the normal five feet -- but then I decided to break the line, along with the asphalt.