I’ve “Won” NaNoWriMo Again (and yet, kinda not-- again -- but maybe I kinda did?)

[capri0mni]

So, I took part in my first NaNoWriMo in 2005, and crossed the 50K word line by a hair’s breadth just prior to the stroke of midnight, but in terms of storyline, barely squeaked past the first chapter -- I just sorta picked the resolution of a mid-plot conflict and chose that to be the point where I stuck "the end." And ever since then, my goal has been to:

Get the number of words written and actually get the entire plot written.

And that accomplishment still alludes me.

This year was actually a third attempt at the same story. And I still didn’t actually get to writing the final scene... Though I did get about 7/8th of the story written? or maybe 3/4ths?

And even that word count win is kinda-sorta, because maybe half to three quarters of what’s on the page is either: the same scene written multiple times (with different wording/p.o.v./voice), rambling as an author about what I want the scene to accomplish, rather than writing the actual scene, or multiple versions of author ramblings.

On the other other hand: a) after ten years of having this story in my head, I am still not sick of it, and want it to be a thing (and I vow that I will revise), and b) at least, even if I didn’t write the final scenes, I at made a list of them, so I have them on record.

And at least I made it past chapter two (yay?)

---

I’ve learned two things about myself, in the process, the first is neuro-cognitive, and the second is ... what’s the word?... philosophical? Or political?

First: This year, for the first time, I mostly wrote using the offline version of “Write or Die,” which keeps track of your typing speed, odometer style, and also requires you to set a timer for writing. Those two features together revealed that when I’m just writing words in the abstract (such as those bits I mentioned above, where I’m describing what I want a scene to accomplish) I can easily write 25 words per minute. But when I’m writing an actual scene, and visualizing it through my P.O.V character’s eyes, I struggle to reach half that speed. And, further, when I’m writing in a rambling way, I can keep going for 40 minutes without getting tired, but writing in-character wears me out at around 20 minutes -- and that’s even when I have the scene detailed clearly in my head, and I’ve been “rehearsing” it for days.

Who needs an fMRI machine to tell you that visualization and language production take place in different regions of the brain, and compete for resources?

:::Brain go FLOP!:::

Second: while "gentle fiction" may be my favorite thing to read, it turns out that writing it? Not so much. I mean, I love the gentle resolution, but in process of the getting there, my mind is drawn to the ugly guts of cruelty like a moth to the flame. Like opening up an alarm clock, scattering the gears and springs across the table, and then, sitting down and examining each gear in turn, admiring how the light glints off each cog... And that kinda makes me uncomfortable?


I tell myself it's 'cause I feel the need to plant flags all over evil, in order to make sure that no one can ignore it, ...but I dunno...

Can you kink shame yourself? Can you fiction kink shame yourself?

---

Final word count: 51,864 (by NaNoWriMo's counter). Probable word count after I revise it will probably be half that, but it could be double -- depends on whether "Backstory" stays in the back, or moves to center stage.

Comments

[jesse_the_k]

What a fascinating brain you have.

Could you cite a "gentle fiction"?

[capri0mni]

Thank you! I like my brain... but it does tend to lead me to staying in the shower a bit too long...

Citing "Gentle Fiction" -- it's basically dialecticdreamer's specialty.

This summer, she wrote a novella-length retelling of "Beauty and the Beast" without the romantic/sexual undercurrent, and without erasing the existence of the Beast personality.

All the beats of the original fairy tale are there, but without the threat of near-death, and the villain of the story does himself in with his own violence. And the central conflict is solved by the two main characters being gentle with each other.

Here's the opening post:
http://dialecticdreamer.dreamwidth.org/239933.html

[igenlode]

I've always known I couldn't possibly do NaNoWriMo, or anything of the sort, because it takes me ages to write a single sentence (even, as you say, when I know what it's supposed to say and where the story is supposed to be going). Never mind that this is precisely the sort of mindset all these forced-writing exercises are supposed to cure you of :-p

But for someone who struggles to keep up a rate of 200-400 words of fiction per day, the idea of 50,000 in a month is just moonshine...

[capri0mni]

The thing I've 'used' NaNoWriMo for, in the past, is to create a kind of isolation bubble.

Physically traveling to a retreat, or hermit's cave is not possible, for me. But NaNoWriMo gives me the hyper-focused goal that in completely absorbing.

When I'm in the midst of it, I'm the least distracted by the ten thousand or so other ideas that are usually flitting around my brain (except, this year, the election managed to intrude, twice).

For me, the miracle is that I want to keep working on this story, and for it to have a life in the future, beyond this year.

[meridian_rose]

NaNo can be a great teaching tool about how you work.
I learnt a lot last year; this year I was reminded that I need more structure than I think I do. I should have had a big project planned as well as allowing for Yuletide and finishing fics, not a free-for-all.

Write or Die is terrifying and would be counter-productive for me!

The disconnect between reading and writing is an odd one isn't it? I do write what I want to read, but I sometimes write things I wouldn't necessarily seek out as a reader, and I'll read things I wouldn't write for whatever reason.

Of course you can kink shame yourself. It's counter productive mind, but possible.
I love hurt/comfort. I devour fic and media that hit my particular h/c trope and kinks. There are darker aspects I don't even currently admit to that I'll seek out and read.
I write hurt/comfort. Frequently. But I rarely hit my own kinks hard. I get terrible embarassment when I try to. And I know it's ridiculous because I would read repeatedly read the hell out of this fic. But writing it makes me squirm.
I've been trying to work on it. I posted something that did hit my own kinks but it was so much work. I wrote everything except the three major kink scenes which were the reason I chose the premise in the first place, and had to eke out those paragraphs at the last minute. It was almost painful. And yet there was nothing explicit or inherently wrong or out-there weird. It felt like exposing myself? IDK.
Which probably isn't the same thing you mean but I'm trying to say I understand that there's a difference in writing something to enjoying reading it, and it can be revealing when you try to move out of your comfort zone and have to examine your own feelings about fiction.

Congrats on winning NaNo :D Doesn't matter what happens in revision, you got your words out, and that's half the battle.

[capri0mni]

Doesn't matter what happens in revision, you got your words out, and that's half the battle.

True.

...Though that second half of the battle has been hanging over my head for 10 years, now.

I think it's time I finish it. ;-)

[meridian_rose]

That is an incredible story. I do enjoy fairy tale retelling though there's such a lot going on there I'd need to read it through again to fully grasp all the narrative strands :) Definitely an interesting tale you've chosen.

[capri0mni]

Yeah... It's basically a Fix-it Fic for The Goose-Girl, which annoys me no end.

Particularly since the prince in the story feels nothing whatsoever about swapping one woman for another, as if people were actually like pawns instead of individuals.

And also, this story has given me a chance to poke at another fairy tale trope: that a hero's worthiness in love / virtue / power is all based on physical perfection and purity. I mean: in order to "win" the princess's hand, the hero has had to slay fire-breathing dragon [or, in my tale, an acid spitting ogre] at close range. I seriously doubt he's going to be as handsome coming out of that as he was going in.

Nonetheless, according to legend, at least, physical wholeness was once a requirement for kingship (Q.V. Nuada of the Silver Arm).

The Grimm Bros. collected their stories and rewrote them in order to shape them into propaganda for their own political beliefs, and sell them as a collection to middle-class families, to influence the future generations.* If they can do that, then so can I! :-P

I'll do this with Grimms, 'cause they deliberately veiled their own authorship, and tried to pass these stories off as their own. But I won't do it with Hans Christian Andersen, even though he was writing at the same time, and is also in the public domain, because he took pride in the fact that his stories were things that he'd written.

*(the good: challenging a corrupt monarchy; the bad: misogynistic like whoa; the ugly: also a fixation on German racial purity, and trying to recon their purity ideologies into the past, by inserting them into "ancient stories of the oral tradition").